Week 4 food journal was handed in today, I’m now on week 5 of day hospital ED treatment. I was called out early on this time in treatment- for hiding behind all the cognitive work. I’m really good at doing the homework, and while the cognitive pieces are important- for me, my recovery from my ED depends on addressing the behavioural components and sticking with exposures (that don’t just involve food). I have outed my ED so much more than ever before, that I can do almost NOTHING BUT move forward. I’m not going for perfection here, I just desperately want to tip the scale to the place where it’s not my ED or anxiety that dominate my ways of thinking. I need my ED to stop being my response to managing grief, stress, anger, distress or other really strong emotions. It’s amazing how easy it is to have the scale tip back over to what is destructively familiar when you don’t prioritize mechanical eating and exposures. Well, today my ED is angry, but I am putting more and more weight onto the side of recovery (both literally and figuratively lol).
Team diZastre slaying zombies during family game time.
Proof I voted today. The oldest kid asked to come with me and was disappointed to learn he couldn’t vote yet lol. I really hope @jagmeetsingh is our next prime minister. ❤️
New hair who dis? 🤪 16 inches off.
It’s beginning to look a lot like christmas...in October!
Feeling thankful. My garden was very neglected this summer, but with a little help from friends, my squash and tomato plants managed to produce.
My latest piece done in treatment. I’m just about out of my favourite pens from when I was in Guelph. When I think of anger expressed both positive and negatively, I see a picture of a storm. There are many good things about storms and anger. With storms there is rain and lightning, which both can be helpful for the soil that also sustains life. There is wind which can help spread seeds and strengthen trees. Anger can also serve an important role; it can help us identify injustices, gain the confidence it takes to be assertive or set boundaries. But like storms, under certain conditions anger can produce harsh and sometimes damaging consequences. Sometimes anger can leave a path of destruction like a tornado, flood or fires. Anger can also be unpredictable, or include an eerie silence before an outburst. I’m still exploring how I experience and communicate anger, and how it’s easier to communicate anger about injustices that others are experiencing, than it is about something that is affecting me. I am really appreciating the way our Expression Through Art group is challenging me to explore things I often avoid.
Week 3 food journal was handed in today- feedback yet to come. I’m on week 4. Some days I feel like I’m winning, and some hours I think the hard feelings will never end. It’s a journey full of twists and turns and lots of challenges. Tonight I feel like wallowing in the struggle a bit. Despite the wallowing, I will say I’m glad to be in a better place than last year at this time. Cheers to more better days ahead!
Today was full of challenges and good things. I took the boys out for a pizza lunch today, we went as a family to one of my non-blood relation’s non-american thanksgiving dinner, and I am ending my night off with a fancy decaf drink in my booby mug. I am so grateful and exhausted.
Week two food journal art from last week alongside a good reminder from @howdoyouadult that tough days can bring out your creativity.
Sometimes the anxiety I experience makes my body feel like I’m going to implode. I look forward to bedtime. I’m going to face tomorrow with a good night sleep.
I got to meet up with my lil’ activists after day hospital today. They struck a pose beside the tipped over streetcar monument celebrating the 1919 Winnipeg General Strike which brought to the forefront the labour union plight and changed the way employees were treated and paid across Canada. Proof that when people are fed up with what’s happening, they can effect change.
My boys at the climate strike. ❤️ Change or die. Saving the earth shouldn’t require activism. Photo courtesy of @iron_buddha
I think this Christmas decoration was jealous of all the Halloween decor out for sale @michaelsstores. 😆
First week of food journal feedback today. Turns out my honest inner dialogue on paper is probably my biggest critic and harshest judge. It’s hard tearing down the walls i’ve built that have been keeping me from surrendering to full mechanical eating/activity. I have learned a lot of skills from being in treatment, but it has taken a lifetime to establish the thoughts/beliefs about myself that make me feel like I’m taking care of/protecting myself by micromanaging my nutrition and life. I am relieved and need to be where I am right now. I feel embarrassed, exhausted, discouraged, vulnerable, and frustrated...BUT, I also feel safe, hope-filled, strong and determined. Recovery is dialectical, and healing is not a straight forward process.
I am wearing my 12 year old son’s rain boots! His feet are bigger than mine 😥 oh where has the time gone?
I’m so excited about my newest caloric beverage holder made by @horsing_around_in_the_mud It is a seriously fantastic and somewhat hilarious piece of art. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
In the words of a past-fellow-copatient (spoken in a munchkin voice), “I’m un-com-for-ta-ble.” My first week of the work/day hospital combo has proven better than my previous months of trying to get things back on track on my own. It is good to have meal support again. I feel uncomfortable, anxious, unsettled, angry, overwhelmed and determined. My mind feels better and my energy is improving. I recognize that I cannot comprise my well-being by trying to micro-manage my nutrition, but my ED would like me to believe I’ll feel better if I do. Who knew food could cause such distress in a human. It’s not really about food, but you can’t be or stay in recovery if you don’t get the nutrition your body requires. So today I eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat mechanically, because life is worth living. Today I sit with all the feelings, I sit with them long enough for them to lighten up. Today I acknowledge the discomfort, I do things to care for myself and prioritize my recovery. Today I hug my loved ones and have gratitude for the people in my life that don’t necessarily understand the struggle, but still treat me as a human. Today I will have compassion for myself, not expecting perfection, but rather allowing myself to be vulnerable by acknowledging that I really struggle. I’ll do this all over again tomorrow, and the tomorrow after that, and the tomorrow after that one and so on and so forth.